| Don't blame it all on Mum | Terri Apter We should be careful how we interpret the findings that mothers criticise their daughters more than their sons"As a mum of two boys and a girl," reflects Siobhan Freegard, a founder of the website Netmums, "I know first hand that, try as we might, it can be very hard to treat all your children the same." Freegard sets out the politically correct precept about fair parenting alongside the commonsense truth that different children elicit different responses. A mother reassures her timid child and cautions her impulsive child. She teases her confident child more than her diffident child. Treating every child "the same" would not be fair. But do we sometimes perpetuate gender inequality under the guise of individual responsiveness?No survey is either bad or good but interpretation makes it so; hence, we have to consider the possible meanings of the recent Netmums survey on mothers' differential behaviour to sons and daughter before we read its fingerpost. Just over 2,000 women who have both sons and daughters completed a questionnaire in which 88% indicated that they treated their sons and daughters differently, even though they thought it was wrong to treat different children differently; 55% agreed that they found it easier to bond with sons than daughters. Finally, twice as many mothers said they were more critical of their daughters than their sons. In particular, women reported that they were more likely to condemn a daughter's behaviour as "stroppy" or argumentative" while labelling similar behaviour in a son "cheeky" or "playful".Do we now have the missing key to the environment that generates male and female differences?Before we jump to the tempting conclusion that it is all mum's fault, let's linger a little. The survey explored self-reported behaviour of mothers – not fathers, not teachers, not grandparents. So we have no means of assessing the relative impact of a mother's behaviour compared to that of others. Setting that aside, what about the possible impact of a mother's greater propensity to criticise a daughter? The "twice as many mothers" who report that they are more critical of their daughters constitute only 21% of the women completing the survey, while 11.5% said they were more likely to be critical of their sons than their daughter, so most mothers believe they are equally critical and equally kind. However, the discrepancy is worth exploring.We are often more openly and directly critical of people who are close to us and people with whom we identify. Since gender is the first and most salient category of identity, the mother/daughter bond has a special edge, just as the bond between fathers and sons is. Each may project her own inner traits on to the other: "I see in you things about myself I don't like" and, "I blame you for things I don't like in myself".At the same time, a daughter – particularly a teenage daughter – works on her mother to correct and update a mother's view: "I'm not the little girl you think I am!" While her mother may bemoan her daughter's "stroppiness", the conflict often lends vitality to the relationship. Closeness involves mutual understanding as much as cosy feelings. Questions about "bonding" do not allow this crucial aspect of relationship to emerge.Far from resulting in long-term negative effects – such as women's tendency to be self-critical – criticism between mother and daughter often fosters a daughter's intellectual and emotional growth. There's nothing like seeing you've rattled a mother to give a girl a boosting dose of self-efficacy.The public debate about gender and development is now at a truly exciting point. Complexity, nuance, the layering of bias are being teased out from the muddy backwaters; it would be a pity if this survey were interpreted in ways that might pitch the more subtle issues back into darkness.Parents and parentingFamilyTerri Apterguardian.co.uk © Guardian News & Media Limited 2010 | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds guardian.co.uk |
Killer, 16, locked up over death A teenager who admitted killing a takeaway delivery driver in Edinburgh is detained for five years. bbc.co.uk |
Clenched fist can help us deal with stress, scientists say A clenched fist may seem like a violent reaction but the action could be enough to deal with anything from pain to temptation, scientists say. telegraph.co.uk |
Smitten student bets £100 on staying with girlfriend Christopher Brooker takes odds of 6-1 in bet that he will still be with Hannah Grayson at graduation in two years' timeA lovestruck student has found a novel way of declaring his commitment to his girlfriend: staking part of his grant on their still being together at graduation in two years' time.Spurning the world of pre-nups and similar legal tie-ins, Christopher Brooker staked £100 with bookies in Durham as a declaration of faith.His defiance of odds of 6-1 came after a talk with Hannah Grayson, 19, a fellow philosophy second-year at the University of Durham."We were sitting on the sofa one afternoon, talking about how difficult it is for students to make commitments to each other," he said. "We spend so much time studying along with extra-curricular activities."Brooker, who is 22 and from Dudley, in the Black Country, said the betting idea came to him "then and there". He went to William Hill after talking to a betting specialist, Joe Crilly, about the equivalent of racehorse form – the time he and Hannah have to spend apart because of other commitments."Hannah lived in the flat above me in our first year and we were on the same course," he said. "We became friends at first, then romance blossomed. I didn't tell her about the bet until I had finalised the details. Then I had to, because I wouldn't have been able to do it without her."Grayson, who is from Harrogate, in North Yorkshire, said: "I actually thought it was a really lovely gesture. It was so touching of him to say that he still wanted to be with me at graduation. I think we are doing quite well at the moment."Crilly said he was impressed by the devotion behind the bet, whose odds took into account time-juggling to make room for studying, tennis, sleeping and other traditional undergraduate activities. He said: "Christopher has taken the ultimate student sacrifice – spending the equivalent of seven cases of beer on a long-term commitment to his girlfriend."Brooker will win the equivalent of 42 cases if love wins the day, but he was properly gallant about that. He said: "Hannah means more to me than all the money in the world." And £600 would be handy for a memorable joint degree celebration.RelationshipsStudentsDurham UniversityStudent financeMartin Wainwrightguardian.co.uk © Guardian News & Media Limited 2010 | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds guardian.co.uk |
Heart surgery baby died naturally A baby who died after undergoing heart surgery at Oxford's John Radcliffe Hospital died of natural causes, an inquest rules. bbc.co.uk |